One of the most difficult parts of open adoptions, which most of ours are, is helping the kids walk through the land minds of emotions that visits often can be. Having a good partnership/relationship with the biological family is the healthiest for the kids, but not always easy to achieve. Most of the families request very little or no involvement regardless of our open policy, which makes the visits that do occur carry great weight. Although our kids are extremely excited to have mom come for a visit, the emotions of the past and the pull of two ,often very different lifestyles, can be confusing and hard. Some of our kids were too young to remember much about their "first family" but others carry a weight as heavy as themselves. And even for myself the visits can be tough. When the kids come to be mine, they are MINE. I have to share them with another mom who loves them too. Nothing easy about all this.
And yesterday we had one of those visits. Despite the awkward start and the roller coaster of emotions on everyone's part, it was a wonderful day. And if you look real close in this picture you can see some hearts healing.
I'm trying not to get discouraged but I've been down this path before. Adopting kids from hard places means that they sometimes bring the bangs and bruises from those places with them. And you can't see the hurts - just the outward anger and sadness that they cause. Most of the kids let you love them and they heal little by little.
But not all. And here I am again feeling hopeless and tired. Maybe this time when I look down the path there will be a glimpse of sunlight. Maybe this time we won't get lost in the woods.
Today was one of those days. Of the three boys who walked in the door after school, two had committed an onerous offense. Notes from teachers, things found in pockets....lovely.
When you adopt older kids, you sometimes adopt a set of values that are packed into little minds just as real as the clothes they bring with them. To some it feels normal to be angry and to steal and hurting others is better than being hurt by them. And "just showing them love" sometimes means that you are viewed as weak and therefore untrustworthy.
Tomorrow will be better. Every day, a prayer for healing and strength and someone has to get Samuel down off the rim again.
I was reading an entry by Jen, a mom who has adopted a houseful of kids and she talked about taking risks when you invite kids to be part of your family. She has a heart that follows the Lord and I read her faith in action in her blog.
I agree with her that foster care/adoption ministry, like so many others, puts us at risk for "sitting down with sinners" up close and personal.
We attended a church that had a wonderful ministry to orphans in Mexico. They sent teams down to fix their buildings and and to distribute warm clothes and they brought back pictures of adorable children who said a blessing before each meal. Everyone wanted one of those cute orphans in their family. But those cute orphans are broken and in your sweet, loving, Christian home they would steal and lie to survive as they have learned.
We too, as Jen has said, have dealt with problems I could never have imagined. A few years ago I had the prosecuting attorney's phone number on speed dial and I know the names of most mental health facilities in our area. People in our family have been hurt. We have been fooled and betrayed.
And we have been called.
I'm sure there were many times when Jesus wanted to have some good food with the Priests instead of hot dogs with the sinners. And His risk with getting involved with us messy people cost him His life.
So, here's to stepping off the "nice" path and taking a risk. The bigger the risk, the bigger the hurt and the bigger the blessings.
Psalms 37:23
